Going Down?

As with economies, so with emotions—what goes up is generally followed by something decidedly less enjoyable. So after a rather extended adrenaline rush finishing the infamous report, there followed a week of exhaustion and then … the crash.

Almost. You may know these moments, the times when the world, which had been sunny an hour or a day before, suddenly turns to complete crap. These moments are very convincing. I’m usually somewhere in the middle of one before realizing nothing has changed from the time when everything was not crap. By then it is often too late.

Contrary to my usual practice, I anticipated this downturn; I knew the end of an intense project would eventually lead to withdrawal. The early stages of the crash had clearly arrived when my mind started to play a “you really suck” advertisement: I would never catch up with the details of my life—financial, household, relational, you name it—never send another query letter to an agent, and certainly never get married. “Never” is a good clue that you’re losing altitude.

I watched myself totter on the edge, contemplating the descent. The poet David Whyte says sometimes he sees himself walk up to the edge of the pit of feeling deeply sorry for himself and jump in and on the way down he thinks, this is going to be a good one.

I couldn’t quite decide whether I needed to wallow in self-pity for a while or whether a more pleasant route might be available. Of course if you’re asking that question, you’re already climbing down the well. Despite having multiple tools at my disposal for turning around—gratitude, exercise, chocolate—I was apparently going to refuse to use any of them.

Then somewhere in the middle of making breakfast, the universe shifted. By the time my eggs were fried, the urge to indulge in “poor me” had passed, like those times on the highway when things are inches away from going bad and everyone sails on through as if there had been no danger. It wasn’t my doing. It was grace or good fortune, depending on your world view.

I’m grateful to have survived unscathed this time. I have no illusions that every encounter with the abyss will end so well, but I am cheered by the memory of thinking, “Feeling miserable is really not going to be much fun.” That’s the beginning of sanity.

5 thoughts on “Going Down?

  1. Oh, yeah. That’s the way it is. I like that – realizing that nothing has changed since everything was not crap. A keeper. I like the David Whyte quote, too. Oh boy! A doozy! And you are so right about “never” being a flag. That was one I used a lot. Hey – a place marker for me – I haven’t done a “never” in quite a while. Smile. Approaching sanity is nice. So glad the universe shifted for you.

  2. iNTERESTING READ. SANITY S THE CHALLENGE OF LIFE. UMM..MAYBE BETTER , SANITY IS ONE OF LIFE’S CAHLLENGES. DESPAIR FOR ME
    IS AN EXERCISE IN GETTING BACK INTO MENTAL SHAPE.
    I WILL HAVE TO CHECK OUT YOUR OTHER WRITING.
    LOVE, ZANDRA

  3. Honestly, I never want you to have those bad times–“never” being an entirely reasonable request,you understand, as characterized by the balanced, holistic view of life it signals. :). But I WANT it for you! However, if you are going to skirt and spelunk those times, you do it well for all of us. Thank you.

    • You crack me up. Do you know that Stafford poem “Afterwards”? The relevant selection:

      Maybe people have to go in and out of shadows
      till they learn that floating, that immensity
      waiting to receive whatever arrives with trust.
      Maybe somebody has to explore what happens
      when one of us wanders over near the edge
      and falls for awhile. Maybe it was your turn.

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